Holidays seem to always make one reflect on things. What was, what is and what will be. I spent Christmas with my family, it was nice. My mom and I talked for several hours about everything and anything. It was the first time we have had an in-depth discussion in a long time. Maybe too long of a time. It felt good to talk like we used to. Without inhibition or pause. I often used to say that my mom was one of my best friends. Over the years I have grown to know her not only as my mom, the fixer of all things, the warm embrace when I am hurt, the stern hand when I screw up. But I have also gotten to know her as an independent women. A person of substantial character, morals and intelligence.
As we get older, I think we get the opportunity to see our parents in a different light than when we are young. We come to the realization that they are people. Sometimes people we might not like or have anything in common with, or in my case, someone I really like. Someone I can talk to without inhibition or fear of reprisal. And someone who knows me and knows when I am bullshitting. That in of itself is a quality not often shared by other friends.
So we talked for several hours, about past loves, past tribulations, current events, future worries and wonders. I don’t think we solved the worlds problems or even our own, but we shared a time. My mom is nearly eighty and in the past few years I have grown to understand that these times will be fewer and fewer and that there will be a time when when I won’t have her to have these conversations.
One of the things we talked about is the change of perception as one gets older. When I was young, I would always look to the future, anticipating what was next. What would life bring to me, what would I find? Where would I go? What would I accomplish. As I get older, I find more of my time spent reflecting on what was. Remember old friends, old times, childhood memories. My first car. My first love. These thoughts in themselves are not bad. As someone once said, never forget your past, for it is what defines who you are. But I think it is really easy to get lost in it and forget to drive forward. My boss always tells me “keep moving”. I have come to adopt this philosophy over the years, doesn’t matter if you are moving forward or backward (well it does, but follow me on this) as long as you are moving. In the movement you will find growth, discovery. So even if you are moving backward, you still have the opportunity to learn and grow – which ultimately means you are moving forward.
I thought about past loves today, well one in particular, as I was working around the house. I began to feel a little sad at the lost time. The “should’ve, could’ve, would’ves”, what I thought my future was, back then. And how different it really is from what I imagined it to be. But I also realized that that’s ok. I am not always happy about the decisions I make, sometimes, a lot of times, I screw up. and sometimes I really screw up. I guess I could be defined by my screw ups. I think about how I should be somewhere else, further along, better off, happier. Where are these places? Where are these things? Why am I not where I thought I would be?
Reflecting: you know what? It doesn’t matter what I thought then. I told a friend that life is a journey, and that you presented with intersections on the road of life, right or left. You make a choice with the information you have when you come to those intersections. That is what I have done. I made the choices I made. Sure I can sit here and criticize every decision I have ever made. Getting lost in reflection, in the past. Being sad that I don’t have this, or didn’t do that. The last intersection I turned at took me in a direction I never expected, and that’s ok. I have something I didn’t have before. And I realize that I need to practice what I preach. I need to get out of the past and keep moving. Hopefully forward, but it’s ok if I go backwards too, as long as I keep learning. Life is a journey, not a destination.
I need to restart my journey. That’s my reflection for the holidays, not my resolution.
Care to join me?
© 12/30/10
Jaunty-Rabbit 