It maybe about that time. I have been thinking about it for some time now. I’m not getting any younger, and I begin to wonder if this is it. Maybe this is it, maybe there’s more than this. I don’t know. It’s about taking risks I guess. Either sitting still and watching it all go by or getting off my ass and doing something to bring it closer to me, whatever it is. Funny, whatever “it” is… but I know that this is not “it”, even though I don’t know what “it” is. How is that possible?
Maybe if it hit me along side the head I wouldn’t know it, maybe I would. Hard to say. Maybe I’m just lazy and don’t want to make the effort to find it. Or maybe it doesn’t even exist at all. I know it is different for me than for anyone else, or for that matter, what it used to be for me. Time does that, changes it. But time also takes it away from me too. I turn around and a week has gone by, then a month, then a year, then my life. Wow. Where did it go? I went bed and I was 22, then I woke up and I am 52. What the hell?!
A life that could have been led turned out to be something else instead. Not entirely by choice either, more than half by being lazy and going along with the ride. Rather than standing up and taking a chance. Taking a risk. What happens now? Do I just keep on going on the train that I’m on, or do I jump off and try my luck? It’s like the old movies, where the hobo jumps onto a train, and rides it to wherever it’s going because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Same thing. How did it become about the destination rather than the journey? It has eluded me. The rationale behind has eluded me as well.
Maybe there was no rationale to begin with, maybe it was just entirely luck of the draw. So many mistakes, so many screw ups, how did anything work out right? For that matter, is anything right? What is the comparison? It eludes me, still. Or have I eluded it? Interesting choice of words. Amazing how one can project one’s faults and shortcomings on a nebulas “it”. Yet still I sit here, not doing anything, riding that damned train. Avoiding it altogether. I wonder what happens when the train stops, will that force me to do something, or will I just continue to sit and wait for it to start again? What if it doesn’t? What if it can’t? What if I can’t?
I mean don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about self-pity. If anything it is to inspire me to find “it”. To get off the damned train even if it means taking a risk. OK, ready set, JUMP! … JUMP! … Come on dammit! JUMP!!! Why can’t I get off my ass? It’s like I’m glued to the bottom of the box car. OK, I’ll sit for a while, maybe it’s courage that I lack. Maybe “it” is courage. To face what’s next, to face something new, to face something, anything. Maybe I’m not lazy, just not courageous. Maybe I need to find my courage, to face what’s next, to face myself. Maybe that’s it.
Jaunty-Rabbit 